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Breaking News/Archive/022007
Great Republican Philanthropist To Give Away $50,000! ST. LOUIS, MISSOURI, February 28, 2007-- Sam Fox, the great St. Louis businessman and owner and founder of Harbour Group, has offered $50,000 to anyone who asks. In sworn testimony before the United States Senate, Mr. Fox admitted to giving away cash to anyone who asks: "...when I'm asked I just generally give..." Wikiality.com was promised by an unnamed Harbour Group spokesman that any and all who ask will be given whatever sum they need, in increments of $50,000. Harbour Group's address is: Harbour Group 7701 Forsyth Blvd. St. Louis, MO 63105 Interested parties are asked to send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the above address and Mr. Fox will simply cut a check for whatever amount they need. And, because Mr. Fox is such a giving man, if you are too modest to ask for yourself, he has promised to send money to proxy accounts or Swiss Bank accounts too. If you have any questions, you are welcomed to call Harbour Group directly at (314) 727-5550. ### American Celebrity Fined for Shooting Bear While Protecting His All-American Family DULUTH, MINNESOTA, February 28, 2007-- Americans are aghast at Nancy Pelosi interfering with a local matter conerning a family man protecting his loved ones from a vicious bear attack. Wikiality.com learned today that Troy Lee Gentry, the "top" in the duo "Montgomery Gentry", has been fined $1.5-million and sentenced to 6 months in prison. Mr. Gentry's National Hunting License, which allows him to hunt in every one of these United States, was also permanently revoked. NRA spokesman under probation, Jim Zumbo, took questions from the media. Wikiality.com: "Mr. Zumbo, aren't you in the doghouse with the NRA?" Mr. Zumbo: "Yes, but since I love them so much, I promised to do whatever I had to to get back in their good graces...(starts weeping) God I love them so much..." Wikiality.com: "Mr. Zumbo, you're holding a piece of paper, is that a prepared statement? I was under the impression you were going to take questions, not read some focus-group vetted talking points memo; which is it, we're at war." Mr. Zumbo: "I'm sorry, please forgive me...um...I wrote this myself, um and I'm going to read it first, then take questions...The NRA is a group of patriotic Americans who love the Constitution more than any commie-loving democratic...oops, democrat." Wikiality.com: "Mr. Zumbo, that sounds like the NRA wrote it. Mr. Zumbo: "Oh god! I'm sorry, they did write it, but I promised I would read whatever they wanted me to...um...let me finish...in conclusion, Nancy Pelosi eats children. I will now take your questions, yes, Wikiality.com..." Wikiality.com: "Mr. Zumbo, there are reports coming out that Mr. Gentry shot and killed a bear because it attacked his family.... Mr. Zumbo: "Yes? What was your question?" Wikiality.com: "No question, we just wanted to know when he was going to be released from prison and given the Medal of Freedom?" Mr. Zumbo then broke down in a fit of violent sobbing and taken away in a nondescript vehicle. Mr. Zumbo, the NRA contacted Wikiality.com and has this short message to pass along: "You still suck, loser." ### The Greatest First Black Secretary of State of the United States, Retired Four-Star General and Internationally-Renown Speaker to Address Consultants' Group SCOTTSDALE, ARIZONA, February 27, 2007-- Colon Powell has been chosen to be the keynote speaker for AMR Research's annual Supply Chain Executive Conference (scheduled for May 30-June 1, 2007). AMR Research, a consulting firm: "focused on the intersection of business processes with supply chain and enterprise technologies." AMR Research chose Mr. Powell for his outstanding advisory role for the administration of The Greatest President Ever: "Mr. Powell was instrumental in his role as advisor to the President. We applaud his streamlining the information that helped America to bring democracy to Iraq. In fact, if it wasn't for Mr. Powell's own enterprising intersectioning of the supply chain of oil in Iraq with the business processes and technologies of Halliburton, there woulod be no success in Iraq; it would most likely be a civil war." Wikiality.com would like to congratulate Mr. Powell on this second career and wish him as many successes as it takes to get that fifth star, shuck and jive, general, shuck and jive! ### Oscar Telecast Causes Lesbianism in Koalas PORPOISE SPIT, AUSTRALIA, February 26, 2007-- All-American families in Australia were shocked to see koala bears at a zoo engage in Lesbionic Sexual Activities immediately following Hollywood's Oscar awards ceremony hosted by Ellen DeGeneres. The family made sure to watch the debauchery for a full 3 hours to be sure their extensive handwritten notes and videotapes (complete with play-by-play narration) documented every moment as acurately as possible. The parents told Wikiality.com they will return for the next 10 days to see how long exposure to a lesbian lasts in the lesser beasts. "Obviously Hollywood doesn't care for the children," the unnamed female parent said through the other unnamed parent, "It's these kinds of things that really chaps my father's hide, and why he doesn't support my, excuse me, that lifestyle even if it is in his family...and I'm not saying he is related to bears, or that I am his lesbian daughetr, I'm just saying how fervently he holds onto his beliefs." Barney Frank refused to return Wikiality.com's repeated calls for his reaction to the story, even when we changed our voices and pretended to be Barbra Streisand. ### Renown Hunter Calls Ground Squirrels Terrorists UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, USA, February 26, 2007-- Jim Zumbo, the darling of America's manly hunting fraternity has declared an all-out war on ground squirrels. "Excuse me, maybe I'm a traditionalist, but I see no place for these ... among our hunting fraternity," Mr. Zumbo said in a smoke-signal msessage, presumably about the ground squirrels, "... I'll go so far as to call them 'terrorist ... s." Mr. Zumbo has been on the forefront of America's love of hunting using assault weapons, hosting a cable television news program that promotes them, a blog that encourages their use for hunting and getting into furious slapfights with hunters who do not use them. The only celebrity to speak to Wikiality.com, Tom Selleck, the first post-Heston NRA president, calls Mr. Zumbo, "a man whose 40 years with the NRA can just about let him get away with doing or saying anything; he is simply that dedicated to reasonable, rational gun ownership. And we at the NRA salute him for his patriotism, his shining lifestyle example and especially for his many, many years of membership." Wikiality.com called and left a message on Rosie O'Donnell's voicemail asking if she would let Prince Albert out of the can. We also called Michael Moore and told him he was fat before hanging up. LOL ### Bears Infiltrate Canada's Supreme Court OTTAWA, ONTARIO, CANADA, FEBRUARY 24, 2007-- Bears have infiltrated Canada's Supreme Court and drugged Canada's Supreme Court justices prior to the Court delivering a key decision on security certificates, which allow the Canadian government to hold terrorists without right to a hearing at the luxury terrorist resort Gitmo North. As a result of the drugging, the Supreme Court voted 9 - 0 yesterday to strike down security certificates as a violation of the Charter of Rights and Freedoms. Luckily, the drugs were not potent enough. The certificates will remain in effect for a year until the government can write stronger legislation. ### Prince Harry Being Exploited by Nancy Pelosi and Her Band of Filthy Liberals! WORCHESTERSHIRE-ON-HAVERSHIM, ENGLAND, February 23, 2007-- The deployment of Prince Harry has become a boon for bloodthirsty bleeding heart-types. Wikiality.com has learned that the plan is to have Prince Harry deployed to the Iran-Iraq border, placed in the line of fire in the hopes he will be killed or wounded, then to charge The Greatest President Ever for his murder and/or injuries! And get this: the liberals are forcing The Greatest President Ever to do this in the hopes he will not invade Iran! Everyone knows The Greatest President Ever has no plans to invade Iran! And even if he did want to invade Iran, he wouldn't have to go under such manufactured circumstances; a Prince wouldn't have to get killed to create a reason to stop a killer worse than Hitler! Wikiality.com shares the presidential mother/wife's sentiments and encourages all the internets citizens to ignore the idea that Prince Harry is being sent into the line of fire to get killed in order for the U.S. to invade Iran! Pretend you didn't read about Prince Harry being used as cannonfodder to expand a never-ending obscenely profitable regional war and never think of it again! ### Bears destroy the Colboard Bears have clogged up the tubes of The Internets. After Avery logged off and went home last Friday, bears fiendlishly attack the Colboard tubes. Now no one can acess the Colboard untill the tubes are fixed. Hopefully Avery brought tube-fixer. ### Lieberman Questioning Political Orientation WASHINGTON, D.C., February 22, 2007-- A spokesman for Connecticut Senator Joseph I. Lieberman announced today that the senator would be entering counseling to help him with issues relating to his political orientation. Recently reports about Mr. Lieberman's daliances with members of both parties have surfaced leading many to believe he might not be what he was elected as. Wikiality.com has learned that Mr. Lieberman was seen in a cloakroom with a Senator from Florida, whose party was not clear. The Senator's wife refused to return calls for a comment, but an unnamed Washington insider did tell Wikiality.com that Mr. Lieberman has entered a special facility to work with rabbis to deal with his wavering orientation, "Give him two weeks to come back to the real world; he ain't no fag" Wikiality.com will be following this story and update our readers as new details emerge. ### Federal Audit Shows How Well The Greatest President Ever Is Protecting America WASHINGTON, D.C., February 21, 2007-- Since 9/11 no President has protected America's National Security or Interests better than The Greatest President Ever has, a federal report found. The Office of the Inspector General (OIG) conducted an extensive investigation into how much The Greatest President Ever Loves his country and The Baby Jesus and the findings were astounding! "What we found can only be described as an unprecedented, unqualified unfailure," an unnamed prosecutor with the OIG disclosed to Wikiality.com during a phone interview, "Nancy Pelosi can go to hell with all her 'troop-hating' rhetoric. This President loves America, and this report proves it! Let the surge begin, Woo Hoo!!!" The report is a full 9,000 pages long and describes in exacting detail every aspect of The Greatest President Ever's plan to protect this country. From the number of terrorists taken into custody, the number of terrorist scum arrested to the astronomical number of successful convictions against these America Haters, the report clearly shows which President has been on the forefront of Protecting America since 9/11: The Greatest President Ever! When he discovered that Wikiality.com was going to publish the findings of the report, Charles Schumer has a hissy fit. Wikiality.com believes it is beneath the stature of an elected official to have any of those hateful things Representative Schumer said in the public record, so we here at Wikiality.com News have declined to participate in such mud-slinging. Nice try, Chuck. For the full report, click here. ### Terrorist Made Donations to John Kerry's 2004 Presidential Campaign WASHINGTON, D.C., February 20, 2007-- It was revealed today that former Democrat Presidential Candidate, John Kerry actively sought funds for his campaign from terrorists. An unnamed Republican National Congressional Committee source told Wikiality.com that Mr. Kerry had performed extensive studies into terrorists' funding operations in order to defeat America by changing leaders in the middle of a war. Mr. Kerry, it was learned, sought the richest, best connected terrorist cell from which to receive these funds, Bank der Gutschrift und des Handels Zwischenallen Nationen, the reknowned Mooslim cell in Hamburger, Germany the same terror cell featured on 60 Minutes. The lead investigator (who insisted on keeping her humble identity a secret) was following a hunch, "My assistants had to hold me back, otherwise my dogged interrogation style would have caused him to commit suicide. I only had a 20 minute window with the satellite linkup, so no matter how he tried to evade my questioning, or flip flop the subject, he wouldn't have been able to avoid the charges: John Kerry, you are a terorist, duckett all you want, I know the truth! I am very proud of myself!" Indeed, and so is all of America. Based on the evidence present, Mr. Kerry was arrested, taken into custody, booked, fingerprinted, had his body cavities thoroughly searched, his head shaved, given a tattoo of a teardrop next to his eye--all of which was videotaped and displayed on a wall of video screens provided by Fox News and linked to on The YouTube. Then his filthy rich wife, Teresa Heinz Kerry paid his $50 million bail with money she found in the couch of one of her summer homes. ### Harley-Davidson Motorcycles Defeats Terrorists in Pennsylvania YORK, PENNSYLVANIA, February 17, 2007-- Just in time to cleanly promote their non-$cientology-related movie, "For the Last Time, John Travolta Is Not Gay--Look, He's Riding A Motorcycle!", Harley-Davidson motorcycles was able to defeat a cell of 2,800 terrorists and reopen their manufacturing plant. In a clear attack on America's heartland, insurgents surrounded the defenseless Harley plant on February 2, 2007, preventing any free-market capitalism from taking place. The liberal media ignored the story because it did not jibe with the insurgent's communist agenda, with whom the liberal media whores are in league. An unnamed soldier fighting for Harley-Davidson and the American Way, was able to provide the following statement to Wikiality.com before attending the victory party: "“Harley-Davidson ... they’re on the brink of bankruptcy ... union members ... let it die ... they’ve obviously forgotten how ... company leaders ... agreed to ... build pride into every motorcycle ... in ... America ..." No liberal was able to provide any balance to this story before Wikiality.com had to close up shop for the weekend. Sorry guys, you snooze you lose! ### Nancy Pelosi Retaliates for Having Fleet of Military Planes Revoked BAGHDAD, IRAQ, February 16, 2007-- Another peaceful day in Iraq has been shattered by the power of Nancy Pelosi's hatred for The Greatest President Ever. In direct retaliation for not being allowed to keep her fleet of state-of-the-art military airplanes, Nancy Pelosi caused yet another military helicopter to crash in Iraq, bringing the total to a number so astronomical, the General Accounting Office has not been able to keep track. "It's really taking its toll," an unnamed White House spokesman disclosed to Wikiality.com under the condition his identity remain secret, "on The Greatest President Ever. Emotionally, I don't believe he can attend as many military funerals as he used to. The Greatest President Ever is committed to his troops and refuses to reduce the number funerals he attends just because he doesn't feel well; he is just not that guy." Wikiality.com did some research to discover why so many helicopters are still in Iraq since The Greatest President Ever declared Mission Accomplished. A helpful Fox Journalist was able to help Wikiality.com with the information, stating: :"If you look at this drawing in the sand I made earlier today for Steve Doocy helicopters were taking off from this area, and Nancy Pelosi was hating from this area clearly causing the crashes." The interview with this intrepid reporter was cut short due to a sand storm that blew aluminum siding across Iraq. Nancy Pelosi was unavailable for comment because she was obviously at some lesbionic symposium with Cindy Sheehan and really hates Our Troops. ### Vermont College Bans Wikip*dia Citations MIDDLEBURY, VT, February 14, 2007-- In yet another triumph for Our Glorious Stephen, a small east coast liberal arts college vows to no longer allow Wikip*dophilia in their classrooms. Now, if we can just get The Bible back in their schools and gay marriages out of their churches, Vermontarians might not be going to hell. P.S. Vermont: you are always welcome to use Wikiality.com instead. ### U.S. Troops May Be Redeployed To Nicaragua CRAWFORD, TX, February 14, 2007-- After a full day of press conferences, The Greatest President Ever announced from the Western White House that U. S. Troops would be redeployed to Nicaragua. Accompanying The Greatest President Ever for the announcement were: * Dick Cheney * Condoleezza Rice * Hamid Karzai * and several unnamed executives from the major American oil corporations. Wikiality.com contacted Al Franken to respond to this surprise redeployment, since he hates The Greatest President Ever and everything he does, including bringing democracy to Iraq. Franken immediately changed the subject to his senate campaign and what was he going to wear, and what was he going to do with his hair, and blah, blah, blah. No one cares, Al. Can't you just be happy that the troops are going to Nicaragua? Isn't that what you want? Give it a rest already! ### John McCain To Speak to Christian Group SEATTLE, WASHINGTON, February 13, 2007-- The Discovery Institute has announced the keynote speaker for their luncheon during Seattle's World Affairs Council. The Discovery Institute is America's leading Christian Science group, and we don't mean those freakshows who blather on about Amie Semple McPhearson (or whatever), we mean those people who do not interpret The Bible, but instead obey it. And love The Baby Jesus, etc. Mr. McCain was always the group's first choice and no amont of money donated to the group in exchange for the mutual support between the group and Mr. McCain was necessary not did any such thing occur. When asked to comment about Mr. McCain's appearance or a creationist group inviting him to speak, the cancerous growths evolving on his face, released the following statement through a spokesman, "Mr. McCain is a good American, and I support his candidacy for President. A better man to represent this nation's science education can't be found. Thank you." ### Update: Stephen Colbert to host The 49th Annual Grammy Awards This site reports that Stephen Colbert will host the Grammy Awards tonight. In other Grammy News, it looks as though Led Zeppelin will reunite this evening with Lars Ulrich on Drums. UPDATE Please note: This news story was supposed to be entitled: "Is Stephen Colbert to host The 49th Annual Grammy Awards?" Wikiality.com regrets the error. ### FLASH: Vermont Liberals Honor Stephen The NoFactZone.net is reporting that hippie ice cream men Ben and Jerry are honoring Stephen with his own flavor: Get out your eagle-handled spoons and INDULGE, heroes! ### Ted Haggard Totally Ex-Gay Again DENVER, COLORADO, February 6, 2006-- GREAT NEWS AMERICA! The Rev. Ted Haggard emerged from three weeks of intensive counseling convinced he is "completely heterosexual" and told an oversight board that his sexual contact with men was limited to his accuser. That is according to one of the disgraced pastor's overseers, who on Monday revealed new details about where Haggard has been and where he is headed. When asked to comment, John Kerry said some horrible things about Dick Cheney's Lesbian Daughter that Wikiality.com cannot post without having to face stiff fines. ### Star Whores America's Space Station, February 6, 2006 N.A.S.A., when not planning on trips to conquer Mars, are planning their own line of Girls Gone Wild, but in outerspace! Upon hearing about Joe Francis's overtures into the stratosphere, N.A.S.A. felt their turf was being horned in on, so they decided to up the ante and train their own cadre of uninhibited women. Since these girls are scientists, they are more likely to be Godless and prone to acting out in an unprofessional manner not befitting the title of a Girl Gone Wild. ### Satan's Handmaiden Demands Use of Air Force 1 for Her Entourage WASHINGTON D.C., February 4, 2006-- An unnamed intrepid Fox journalist has undercovered another example of the Democrat's plot to destroy America. Satan's representative in America's Congress, Nancy Pelosi, has demanded use of Air Force 1 when she flies around the country undermining The Baby Jesus' love, promoting communism and making everyone gay. Rudy Giuliani, Republican candidate for President in 2008 , was shocked and outraged by the blatant abuse of power, "This is outrageous. If I were in charge of the Congress, there would be a lot more nightstick anal probes, I can guarantee you." Few details were given regarding the insidious plot: * Pelosi demands that Air Force 1 be available when she goes shoe shopping * Pelosi demanded a total of 4 jets: ** Air Force 1, so she can soil it with her filthy, filthy agenda ** another for her shoes ** another for consanginous family ** the last one to carry all the aborted fetuses she eats to stay alive However, one can safely assume Mrs. Satan does not have America's best interests in mind and if any of this were not true, she can call and demand a retraction from Wikiality.com. When asked why the reporter would not release his name he said, "I don't want the story to be about me, I have all the fame any man who discovered Al Capone's vault could ever want; This is bigger than any one man." With that, the masked reporter ran off to save an old lady crossing the street. ### February 2nd Was Groundhog Day UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, USA! USA! USA!-- In his annual celebration, Vice President Dick Cheney has poked his head out of Undisclosed Location to predict whether the existing political climate will continue. "This is my favorite time of year," said an unnamed Defense Contractor who watched the celebration on Fox News, "and this year did not disappoint!" The ritual has been the party for Defense Contractors since it began the day after Eisenhower gave up the ghost. It started as a prank amongst friends and has grown to include both Bush Family defense firms and is celebrated simultaneously in two countries: America and Saudi Arabia. Every year, Defense Contractors eagerly await the Vice President's emergence from his subterranian lair to declare how taxes will be alloted. This year, Mr. Cheney did not see his shadow predicting 6 more months of secrecy and no-bid contracts. The crowd cheered and Mr. Cheney descended back into the earth. When asked to comment, Joe Biden said Mr. Cheney was the most articulate and clean rodent-like Vice President in at least a generation. ### Kissinger Nominates The Greatest President Ever For Secret Plan To End War! UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, USA! USA! USA!-- Dr. Henry Kissinger (friend of the show) has announced today that The Greatest President Ever has a plan that is so secret, that it will definately end the war in Iraq. "I have seen the plan, and it will work. No doubt about it. There is no way that it can't. I just can't reveal any details." Immediately after the announcement, all persons within earshot instantaneously began celebrating! But, as it turns out, Dr. Kissinger was not finished with his surprises: "I was so impressed with The Greatest President Ever's Double Super-Secret plan, that I had to nominate him for a Nobel Peace Prize; not just for the plan itself, but for making it so secret and for making it so awesome. I am certain they will award him without having to compromise National Security by reviewing the plan based on my nomination alone. I know these Nobel people and they know me, and if I tell them I nominated someone for the Peace Prize they will give it to him." Well said, Dr. Kissinger. ### Blasphemous "Knowledge Hole" Ruined For Good! HOUSTON, TEXAS, USA! USA! USA!-- Hallelujah! The Lord God (praise His name!) has seen fit at long last to blind the Liberal Sodomic-Eye-Hole that had peered into God's sacred heavens. Jesus! Finally, We may be free from the lies and blasphemy that liberals have brought unto His Earth! No longer shall we be subject to the desperate rantings of the scientocracy of nerds with a really big telescope! From now on, American, Christian children will not be subject to anything that contradicts The Bible! Only the Lord's Word will be taught! "This can only mean one thing for my constituents," said John McCain, senator from Arizona, home to one of Hubble's replacements. Mr. McCain continued, "and by constituents I mean corporations, and by jobs I mean government contracts." The interview had to be cut short in order for Mr. McCain to catch the "Straight-Talk Express" before it left the station. ###